What was to be airborne

I hate flying, but I love the takeoff.  I love the feel, I love the sound, and I love watching the ground move away.  But then the fun is over and you're just in small tube 30,000 feet above the ground surrounded by strangers, some of whom are infants and toddlers and behave accordingly.  Then there is the classic decision of whether or not to strike up a conversation with your neighbors.  Do they want to be left alone or if started will they not shut up for the rest of the flight?  This admission will not shock those that know me, but I typically opt not to start the conversation. 

I typically resolve my flight issues by sleeping through the trips.  I traveled a lot for work from 2007 to 2009 and I used drugs and revised sleeping schedules to condition myself to sleep on planes, which may be another reason my mind enjoys the trigger of the takeoff.  Although, the sleeping strategy works best when you have the window seat and can be problematic when coupled with other seating assignments.            

The worst part of flying though is the experience in the airport.  It's like if the DMV made you take off your shoes or if your church made you show up at least an hour early to sit there or wait in line.  In an upcoming trip I have a 4 hour layover.  The city hardly matters, because that's almost the perfect amount of time to not be able to get out into the city, do something, and get back through security.  It's a 4 hour layover in an airport which is a problem for me, because in recent years, I have had to work very hard to not be bored when I’m close to lots of food.  Thus, the airport is an impossible scenario for me, so I will no doubt be found at JFK at a table laden with all manner of foods while I people watch and watch or read something innocuous.  

What was to remain unfinshed

It's not that I haven't been writing, it's that I don't want you to read what I have been writing about.  My room is a mess, my kitchen needs cleaning, my clothes are wrinkled, and I don't have all the records I need to file my taxes.  In nothing am I a perfectionist except for what I write and present professionally and academically.  But it's not even the helpful kind of perfectionism where the finished product is clean and neat and creates a significant impact.  My perfectionism is a more insidious type that is based on sterilizing all of my output so it can never be used against me.  Hidden away in my draft folders are the posts about gun control, race, gender, and a variety of other current issues.  I write, and rewrite, then save and close out the browser without posting, confident that no one is going to yell at me on facebook.

Same with work.  I peform the analysis, write up the reccomendation, create any appendix deck, then email it only to myself and no one else if I think there is any room for someone to point out a flaw or superior approach. 

I do not believe the reason behind this witholding of product is a lack of self-confidence, but rather an odd personal utility curve over others' perceptions of me.  I prefer the reputation and lifestyle of a lazy/unmotivated genius to that of an up and coming go getter who makes his share of mistakes.  "Him? Oh yeah, he's brilliant, never seen anything but the best work come out of his office, but he's pretty slow getting around to requests." 

And I probably would have changed this behavior by now if work didn't keep rewarding me for it. Sometimes I entertain the possibilities of where I might be in the world if I applied myself more strenuously,  took the bigger swings, and made the bigger bets.  But it's hard to imagine that version of myself in the alternative reality getting as much sleep as I did last night, enjoying his long lunch any more thand I did today, and having time to write a blog post instead of paying attention to this HR presentation. 

What was to be serialized

I have had writer's block for a few weeks now; also, worker's block, and house cleaning block.  I would add social block to that list, but that has been going on for years now and isn't accurate to include it in the list of recent and probably temporary maladies.  The holiday time was busy for me as far as work went with one colleague on vacation and another on maternity leave during a very busy rush of campaigns.  I had a few company holidays but ended up working for a few hours on each of them with some rush requests.   It didn't seem bad in the moment, but has left me feeling burnt out and lazy in the New Year.

That said, I am a good member of the economy and have not shirked from my responsibilities as a consumer.  I just finished consuming the Band of Brothers miniseries, which I have been avoiding up until now as I thought it was a documentary about the Hanson brothers (I'm concerned that joke dates me and I should have used Jonas Brothers to be young and hip).  What I chiefly enjoyed about this miniseries was that they had the capacity and took the time to illustrate what things were like for that company of men between the heroics and the terrifying battles.  The waiting and the anticipation for events not easily predicted.            

Most WWII dramas have time to take a few minutes to show the boys writing home or joking around ;a vignette of life in camp. But I thought this was interesting in that they had more time to delve deeper into the distinct personalities and how they interacted, developed, and responded in such high stress scenarios.

You watch these depictions and wonder how you would respond in similar settings, and as pale as the comparison may be, I have to wonder taking these last four weeks, if I wouldn't respond well during the battle, but afterwards sleep in too much, not write home, and go too long without doing the dishes.

What was to be transparent

There is something to be said for transparency as an impetus for healthy growth and change.  Currently I'm about 35 pounds heavier than I would need to be to get my doctor to be proud of me and be in the shape I need to be to compete in the UFC.  The problem with those motivations is that I can put off the doctor visit almost indefinitely as (other than a burning sensation on my thigh where the laptop has been laying too long) I feel perfectly fine.  Also I don't like being punched, so I am in no hurry to get back into fighting shape. 

But if social norms changed so that I walked around work bare chested, my motivation to get in shape in a hurry would drastically increase.  Not only that, but I believe my coworkers would provide a great deal of moral support, urging me to go to the gym, and my boss would probably have our meetings over jogging sessions.

As this is not the norm, I get to find nice shirts that look professional and mask my tummy.  And tonight on my way home from my parents' house where I publicly declined all manner of treats and extra food, I got to buy six liters of soda, a pint of ice cream, and a large pizza to keep me company while I watch missed Charlie Rose episodes and write this post.

Here is the problem with transparency though, people are unforgiving and don't believe that other people can change.  We give lots of advice to young people to be careful about what they write and post on social networks as these things can follow them forever.  This is not bad advice, but if I am an employer and I am researching two 25 year-old candidates, one of whom has no online presence and the other has a picture of them flipping off a nun when he was 15, should that have any bearing at all on my decision?  "Well, self, the other guy has less experience in this industry but this guy clearly hates Catholics, women, and penguins, and that is not the sort of man we want working at Italian Women Against Global Warming."

In most states you have probably noticed a lot of Auto Insurance companies in recent years advertising "first accident forgiveness" after your first accident your rates do not increase.  This is not because these companies feel bad and want to cut you a break, but because the data shows that in most states, people who have caused an accident are only marginally more likely to cause a second one in the next three years than someone who has not had an accident.  To illustrate (with fake numbers), they looked at the data and saw 2 million accidents in 2009 from drivers who had never had an accident before (G1) and 2 million drivers who had never had an accident(G2).  Over the next three years 12% of the drivers in G1 had another accident and 11% of the drivers in G2 had an accident. 

This is because most people change after they make mistakes that hurt them, or they mature over time.  We all have the capacity for self destruction and embarrassment, and I don't believe that this capacity and probability are predicted by what we posted about our moms when we were angry teenagers.  (For the record though, as a teenager on geocities I posted that my mother is beautiful and loving).