What was to remain unfinshed

It's not that I haven't been writing, it's that I don't want you to read what I have been writing about.  My room is a mess, my kitchen needs cleaning, my clothes are wrinkled, and I don't have all the records I need to file my taxes.  In nothing am I a perfectionist except for what I write and present professionally and academically.  But it's not even the helpful kind of perfectionism where the finished product is clean and neat and creates a significant impact.  My perfectionism is a more insidious type that is based on sterilizing all of my output so it can never be used against me.  Hidden away in my draft folders are the posts about gun control, race, gender, and a variety of other current issues.  I write, and rewrite, then save and close out the browser without posting, confident that no one is going to yell at me on facebook.

Same with work.  I peform the analysis, write up the reccomendation, create any appendix deck, then email it only to myself and no one else if I think there is any room for someone to point out a flaw or superior approach. 

I do not believe the reason behind this witholding of product is a lack of self-confidence, but rather an odd personal utility curve over others' perceptions of me.  I prefer the reputation and lifestyle of a lazy/unmotivated genius to that of an up and coming go getter who makes his share of mistakes.  "Him? Oh yeah, he's brilliant, never seen anything but the best work come out of his office, but he's pretty slow getting around to requests." 

And I probably would have changed this behavior by now if work didn't keep rewarding me for it. Sometimes I entertain the possibilities of where I might be in the world if I applied myself more strenuously,  took the bigger swings, and made the bigger bets.  But it's hard to imagine that version of myself in the alternative reality getting as much sleep as I did last night, enjoying his long lunch any more thand I did today, and having time to write a blog post instead of paying attention to this HR presentation.