What was to be a chosen adventure

Choose Your Own Adventure books were a big part of my 2nd and 3rd grade school reading experience, and sometimes I miss this infuriating and recursive genre.  So in case you feel the same:

You sit alone in your office, flipping through jewels pictured in a game on your phone so they would line up and disappear.  Time runs out on this level: game over.  You look up at the absence of any client in sight.  Maybe they all lined up too well and disappeared like the jewels.  The phone vibrates to alert you to a new email from the property management company.  Rent is four months late now, times run out: game over.

Call the bank for a loan

Start selling your office furniture on Craigslist

Rob a liquor store



























You dial up a loan officer you worked with a few years ago to see if you could get a loan to cover your office expenses for the next few months.  He tells you to drop by with some cashflow and income statements, and he can take a look for you.  You call your accountant and learn that he hasn't been keeping up with the reporting since you haven't paid him in over six months, but he can pull the reporting together by the end of the week if you can get him $2,500. 

Write a bad check

Start selling your office furniture on Craigslist





























You write out a check for $2,500 and take it to your accountant.  He looks surprised and asks you to sit down for a minute.  He goes back to his office and returns a few minutes later, "I'm your accountant, and you wrote this check against your corporate account... I don't even know how to tell you how stupid it is to think I don't know this check is going to bounce.  Look there is a guy I used to do business with, and he is always looking for stupid, desperate people with cash strapped businesses.  I don't recommend it, but here is his card.  Go to the address on the back and ask for Mr. Martin.  


Drive back to your office and start selling your office furniture on Craigslist

Return to your office for a drink

Go to the address on the card























You push the coffee table in your waiting room aside so you can take a picture of the couch to post on Craigslist when you notice a piece of an envelope sticking out from between the cushions.  You pull out the envelope, it is thick, not very light, and sealed but has no names, addresses or stamps.  Thinking you have nothing to lose, you take it into your office and slice it open with the letter opener.  You pull about 50 one-hundred dollar bills from the envelope.

Take the cash to your landlord to cover the back rent


Take the cash to the police


























You put the cash in your jacket and drive to the property manager's office.  You remove 10 of the bills and leave the rest in the envelope.  You enter the office and hand her the envelope.  She flips through the bills incredulously, and asks you to take a seat.  She puts a black box on her desk, you peer around and see one side is missing and blue light is shining in the hollow.  She puts one of the bills in the light, pushes the box aside and stares at you.  "If I'd known you were desperate enough to use bad bills, we could have come to an arrangement a while ago.  I'm not going to take your counterfeit money, but I can forgive your debt, and get you a $500K per year client, I just need you to hire two people as consultants at $240K per year, and you won't ever meet them.

Accept the offer

Decline the offer





























Obviously this is a dishonest business practice, with some legal implications if it is ever discovered, but you are between a rock and a hard place, so you accept her offer, even though you aren't sure you will follow through on it.  "Great" she says, "Take this card to the address on the back and ask for Mr. Martin.  He'll be expecting you, and will get you set up.

Throw the card away and take the cash to the police

Go to the address on the card





























You drive to the address on the card.  It is an older looking tavern called "Martin's".  You go inside and ask the bartender for Mr. Martin.  He directs you to a room in the back.  You knock on the door and an old man's voice invites you inside.  You enter to see an elderly gentlemen in a black suit with an antique looking shotgun pointed at your head.  "Have a seat", this is either an invitation or a command, but you are not particularly interested to discover if it is the later, so you quickly sit.  "I have to get some money to my grandchildren, but it can't go through normal channels.  So Martin's tavern will contract your company for $500K per year, for which the only service you will need to provide is the consulting services of my grandchildren, whom you will pay $240K per year each.  You will never really meet them, but you can send their checks and hiring materials to these addresses and we will mail you the copies of their ids, W2s, social security numbers, etc." 

Accept the offer of the nice old man with the shotgun

Decline the offer of the nice old man with the shotgun





























Obviously something is not right here, but it seems that less would be right in your own life if you don't accept.  So graciously agree, return to your office and begin the process of hiring these phantoms.  A few years pass where you enjoy a deeply discounted rent for your office, a large amount of client traffic, and a unprecedented success. One day a man enters your office with a warrant and an FBI badge asking to meet with your ghost employees and see all work associated with them.  You explain that this should be no problem, you just need to make a call.  You step into your office and call Mr. Martin and explain your problem.  Mr. Martin tells you to wait 30 minutes, then try to slip out of the office and meet him at the tavern.  You return to the front room where you see the agent has been joined by others who are boxing up all the computers and files.  You stare in disbelief and sit on your couch watching the spectacle.  The agent asks you again the whereabouts of the other employees, but you explain you couldn't get a hold of them.  30 minutes later your office is empty and you make your way to your car.  The car fails to start on the second time, but the ignition works very well on the second try.  Too well, in fact, the entire car ignites into a fireball scorching and exploding out pieces  of metal, leather, and you.   

Your story has ended



























An extra $20K per year would be great, but you get a really bad feeling about this room and this old man.  You are sitting in a beautiful chair, and the rug is a gorgeous oriental, so you determine that there is no way he would kill you right here especially this being his place of business, so you thank him for the offer but explain that you don't feel right about this.  He kindly nods his head and then blows yours off.

Your story has ended


























Depressed, you open the bottom desk drawer in your office, and remove a half empty bottle of whiskey.  Refusing to be drawn into the half full/half empty debate, you gradually remove the subject of debate from the bottle when it occurs to you that you paid cash for this liquid and you would like that cash as well as an exorbitant rate of interest back.  You grab a revolver from a second drawer and make your way to the strip mall where you purchased it.  You walk up to the clerk, demonstrate your tool of revolving negotiation and ask her to provide you with all available funds.  She points behind you and says everything is in a safe in the back.  You turn around but don't see any location for a safe, when you return to face her a .44 magnum is leveled at you.  The last thought you have is that this gun is too big for her and would knock her to the floor if she fired it.  This is exactly what happens, unfortunately you are also knocked to the floor.  The only difference between the two of you is that she will be picking herself up, and will have all her blood in her body when she does. 

Your story has ended


























Your head is swimming, how had you gotten into a situation like this?  You say that you had no idea the bills were counterfeit, and that you need to get going.  As you walk onto the street, she calls after you and runs up to you on the sidewalk.  "I hope you don't feel the need to repeat what we talked about, and I won't feel the need to report your attempt to pay in counterfeit money".  You nod your head, but she does not look convinced.  You have half turned around when you are knocked into the street.  Normally, you would get up and yell at this woman for this unprovoked assault.  But normally you are not being hit by a bus travelling at 40 miles per hour.   

Your story has ended


























Concerned that the money may be fake or involved in some crime, you take it to the police station.  The Captain let's you know that if it is determined the money is not involved in any investigations, claimed, or counterfeit, then it will be returned to you.  You hand him your card, and he notes that the city has actually been looking for someone in your line of work they can trust.  He has you come along to a meeting with the mayor, and you are hired on a lucrative contract the next day.   

Your story has ended